Birds

I desperately wish

To pull my body apart

Rip open my chest

My skin

My bones

My ribs

And let the blood flow out

Let all the sorrow, anger, pain, and hate

Flow out

That way I can wash myself clean

Wash away all of the pain

All of the sadness

I feel

 

Fertilize my bones

Fertilize my body

So when the spring comes

In full bloom

My body is ready

Ready for the flowers

To sprout from my chest

Valleys and mountains of

Purples

Blues

Pinks

Reds

Yellows

Wrapping themselves through, around, and in my bones

Bringing at least

A little joy

Bringing it back to me.

 

Fertilize my bones

Fertilize my body

So when the spring comes

In full bloom

My body is ready

Ready for the birds

To build their nests in my chest

In between the valleys

And mountains

Of flowers

Raising their families

Singing their songs

Songs of spring

Songs of sun

Songs of joy

Leaving them

A lasting rhythm in my head

So maybe

Maybe

When they have to leave me

I won’t be so empty.

(t.c)

 

Ashamed

I think of you endlessly

In the hours of the night

And always when the sun is shining

You occupy every part of my brain

All my bright places

All my creepy, shadowed halls

And all the walled off rooms and places

I am so ashamed of.

 

You slip into places

That I try so hard to hide

You know all the times

The Places

The Faces

I am so ashamed of.

 

I tried so hard

So hard to shield you

From all the things that

I despise about myself

All the chapters that

It pains me to remember

All those moments

I am so ashamed of.

 

I tried so hard to hide from you

To convince us both

That I should keep that part of myself

All of those chapters

Locked inside

Never to be seen again

All of the mistakes

I am so ashamed of.

 

I wanted to pretend it would be better for you

To not know all of those

Horrible

Terrible

Things about me

But you were adamant it seemed

Determined

To know everything that

I am so ashamed of.

 

(t.c)

Stretched

 

There is something happening

something changing

something inside of me

Some days its good

Some Days its bad

Sometimes it changes with the hour.

 

I get so paranoid

Only for it to recede and become normal again.

 

I become so anxious

Only for it to recede

But come back

Sooner than I wanted it to.

 

I evolve into a monster

Lashing Out

Hurting People

Wishing I could change

 

The Monster Recedes

Then Strikes Back

Painfully

Out on everyone

Myself

and all the people around me.

 

I become stretched.

Streched so thin

Thinner than saran wrap

Feeling as if at any minute i could

“Pop!!”

And break

into a

thousand

little

microscopic

pieces.

And that is something

that never changes.

(t.c)

Unfinished and Finished

 

It was a time of great change

And things did change

Rapidly

Daily

Hourly

We were growing up

And we were trying to do it too fast

They were trying to discover who they were

Just like I was

They were looking in all the wrong places

Just like I was

They looked in places like

Sex

Drugs

Alcohol

Parties

New boyfriends every week

and Love

And they pretended they were satisfied

Pretended they were happy

I looked in places like

Depression

Self-Harm

Burning

Suicide

Mental Illness

Hatred

Rebellion

and Love

And I pretended I was okay

Pretended I wasn’t dying

 

They began to find more of themselves

As I began to lose the little part of myself I had

(t.c)

Different

From the start I have always known

That I am not the same

It wasn’t always by choice

But more by genetics

Character Traits

 

In Elementary School

If the color of the week was pink

I would choose black instead

If they wanted girly skirts

I wanted boy-ish shorts

And I didn’t have many friends

And I wasn’t sure why

Because I didn’t see difference

But they all whispered around the playground

And in their groups

And In their seats

She’s too different

 

In Middle School

I tried to fit in

I wanted to be liked

If the color of the week was blue

I would choose blue

Though I still secretly wanted Black

If they wanted cool teenage dresses

I wanted the dresses too

Though I still secretly wanted boy-ish shorts

I was well liked

But I was still secretly different.

 

Older now in middle school

They began to gossip

and I became unsure

They began to change

and I began to change with them

And I began to hate myself

Because I wasn’t as different.

 

Now In High school

I still hate myself

Partially from changing with them

I have been looking for the piece that I lost

in all the wrong places.

 

If pink is the color of the week

I openly have black

If hipster is the style

I go more towards grunge

If pop and dubstep is whats cool

I stick with punk rock

and the same kids whisper

in their groups

around the lunch table

around the chairs

She’s too different.

 

(t.c)

Flawless

They’re everywhere.

The Sporty Ones,

The Musical Ones,

The Funny Ones,

The Beautiful Ones,

The Effortless Ones,

The Flawless Ones.

But I am here too

Nothing Special

Nothing Extraordinary.

I am just trying to be,

half

of the person

the girl

they are.

(t.c)

Sight

I would like to see every part of you.

the part you love

that you show off

and proudly display

because it is the best part of you

and the sunlight is always on it

and there is never any dust

because you want everyone to see.

 

I would like to see every part of you.

the part you like

but that you leave alone

with just a little dust on it

and just a little sunlight

because you don’t care if people see.

 

I would like to see every part of you

the part you keep hidden away

from the sunlight

the parts of yourself you try to hide

Because you’re not sure if you want anyone to see.

 

I would like to see every part of you.

the part you are ashamed of

that you try to run from

and put behind you

like a regretted lover

Because you’re almost certain you don’t want anyone to see.

 

I would like to see every part of you.

the part you despise

that you keep locked

inside a apocalypse proof safe

that way

no one could ever see them.

Because you know you will never want anyone to see.

 

I would like to know every part of you

Every curve of your body

Every freckle and scar

All your deepest secrets

And your biggest fears

Show them all to me

Show yourself to me

Because I know I will always want to see.

(t.c)