Three Quarters Of A Million

There are 26 letters

Approximatly

Seven hundred and fifty thousand words

Endless combinations,

And yet my clumsy tounge

And my slow brain

Cannot put together enough words

To describe you

To describe the way I feel

And to write half way decent poems

Instead of a set of clumsy words shoved together

Pretending to be anything more

Than my confused

Blurred

Strung together

Thoughts.

(t.c)

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The Forgotten

I try so hard to remember

To remember what happened during that time

That horrible period

But I cannot

 

I want to know

I want to know what I saw

What I thought

What I felt

But I cannot

 

All I am allowed to know

Are brief flashbacks of the pain

The hatred

The anger

That I felt

And it scares me

Terrifies me

And leaves me almost in tears

Yet I still want to know

But I cannot

 

There have been walls built

Built without my permission

My authorization

She told me it was to protect me

That it was my subconscious trying to protect me

Protect me from that time

Protect me from myself

I want to remember

But I cannot

 

“It will come in time”

She said

“When your subconscious knows you’re ready”

She said

How do you know when you’re ready?

It cannot be when you want to remember

Because I do

But I cannot

 

I try desperately

So desperately I drive myself mad

I feel as though I am missing a part of myself

That hurts

Partially because

I want to remember

But I cannot

 

I am missing a piece of my history

The piece where every word

Every second

Every Moment

Every Decision

screams heresy

And the only proof I have

Are the scars that cover

Blanket

Parts of my body

And the pain that comes from  the walled off memories

Because I want to remember

But I cannot.

 

(t.c)

Seduction

He seduced me.

Lured me in with his words.

 

He started an act.

An Act to fool me.

 

He began to play me

Feed me lies

 

Lie after Lie

Until I began to trust

Trust that he would take care of me.

 

He deceived me

Began to play me

Made me believe that he knew what was best

That I should do what he said

 

He reasoned with me

Told me I should listen to him

Listen to what he told me to do

His way would help me in the end

Because after all

Didn’t his way take away my pain away?

 

(t.c)

Landmine

“Every morning I jump out of bed and step on a landmine. The landmine is me. After the explosion, I spend the rest of the day putting the pieces together.”

-Ray Bradbury

 

I wake up and stare at the ceiling

Thinking about this day

And how I already hate it

Its just another day

Another day stuck here

 

One more day spent

Wishing

Waiting

Hoping

Dreaming

And planning ways out of here

 

One more day spent in

Anger

Pain

Annoyance

Contempt

And wishing I could be anywhere but here

 

Still laying in bed,

I close my eyes and hope for a good day

I get up

And think of ways to have a good day

 

I stand in front of a mirror

Studying myself

Hating every inch of me

Picking apart every section

Every inch

Of myself

 

I wish

For the millionth time

To be able to rip apart my body

My skin

My bones

And let the blood flow

Let the hate flow

Let the pain flow

Let the sorrow flow

(t.c)

Birds

I desperately wish

To pull my body apart

Rip open my chest

My skin

My bones

My ribs

And let the blood flow out

Let all the sorrow, anger, pain, and hate

Flow out

That way I can wash myself clean

Wash away all of the pain

All of the sadness

I feel

 

Fertilize my bones

Fertilize my body

So when the spring comes

In full bloom

My body is ready

Ready for the flowers

To sprout from my chest

Valleys and mountains of

Purples

Blues

Pinks

Reds

Yellows

Wrapping themselves through, around, and in my bones

Bringing at least

A little joy

Bringing it back to me.

 

Fertilize my bones

Fertilize my body

So when the spring comes

In full bloom

My body is ready

Ready for the birds

To build their nests in my chest

In between the valleys

And mountains

Of flowers

Raising their families

Singing their songs

Songs of spring

Songs of sun

Songs of joy

Leaving them

A lasting rhythm in my head

So maybe

Maybe

When they have to leave me

I won’t be so empty.

(t.c)

 

Stretched

 

There is something happening

something changing

something inside of me

Some days its good

Some Days its bad

Sometimes it changes with the hour.

 

I get so paranoid

Only for it to recede and become normal again.

 

I become so anxious

Only for it to recede

But come back

Sooner than I wanted it to.

 

I evolve into a monster

Lashing Out

Hurting People

Wishing I could change

 

The Monster Recedes

Then Strikes Back

Painfully

Out on everyone

Myself

and all the people around me.

 

I become stretched.

Streched so thin

Thinner than saran wrap

Feeling as if at any minute i could

“Pop!!”

And break

into a

thousand

little

microscopic

pieces.

And that is something

that never changes.

(t.c)

Unfinished and Finished

 

It was a time of great change

And things did change

Rapidly

Daily

Hourly

We were growing up

And we were trying to do it too fast

They were trying to discover who they were

Just like I was

They were looking in all the wrong places

Just like I was

They looked in places like

Sex

Drugs

Alcohol

Parties

New boyfriends every week

and Love

And they pretended they were satisfied

Pretended they were happy

I looked in places like

Depression

Self-Harm

Burning

Suicide

Mental Illness

Hatred

Rebellion

and Love

And I pretended I was okay

Pretended I wasn’t dying

 

They began to find more of themselves

As I began to lose the little part of myself I had

(t.c)