Three Quarters Of A Million

There are 26 letters

Approximatly

Seven hundred and fifty thousand words

Endless combinations,

And yet my clumsy tounge

And my slow brain

Cannot put together enough words

To describe you

To describe the way I feel

And to write half way decent poems

Instead of a set of clumsy words shoved together

Pretending to be anything more

Than my confused

Blurred

Strung together

Thoughts.

(t.c)

The Forgotten

I try so hard to remember

To remember what happened during that time

That horrible period

But I cannot

 

I want to know

I want to know what I saw

What I thought

What I felt

But I cannot

 

All I am allowed to know

Are brief flashbacks of the pain

The hatred

The anger

That I felt

And it scares me

Terrifies me

And leaves me almost in tears

Yet I still want to know

But I cannot

 

There have been walls built

Built without my permission

My authorization

She told me it was to protect me

That it was my subconscious trying to protect me

Protect me from that time

Protect me from myself

I want to remember

But I cannot

 

“It will come in time”

She said

“When your subconscious knows you’re ready”

She said

How do you know when you’re ready?

It cannot be when you want to remember

Because I do

But I cannot

 

I try desperately

So desperately I drive myself mad

I feel as though I am missing a part of myself

That hurts

Partially because

I want to remember

But I cannot

 

I am missing a piece of my history

The piece where every word

Every second

Every Moment

Every Decision

screams heresy

And the only proof I have

Are the scars that cover

Blanket

Parts of my body

And the pain that comes from  the walled off memories

Because I want to remember

But I cannot.

 

(t.c)

Seduction

He seduced me.

Lured me in with his words.

 

He started an act.

An Act to fool me.

 

He began to play me

Feed me lies

 

Lie after Lie

Until I began to trust

Trust that he would take care of me.

 

He deceived me

Began to play me

Made me believe that he knew what was best

That I should do what he said

 

He reasoned with me

Told me I should listen to him

Listen to what he told me to do

His way would help me in the end

Because after all

Didn’t his way take away my pain away?

 

(t.c)

Naked Bones

I want to open myself up to you

Completely

Show myself to you

Exactly as I am

Completely as I am

No reservations

No holding back.

But I am afraid.

 

I am afraid that if I opened up

Let you see me as I am

You would walk away.

Leave.

 

I am afraid that I will open myself up to you

Strip down all the walls

All the facades

All the fake charades

That I show everyone else

I will be the one standing there

Emotionally naked

Emotionally bare

And you will look inside.

 

I am afraid that you will see me there

Emotionally Naked

Emotionally Bare

And you will look

And you will discover

That there is nothing you want

Nothing you desire

Housed in my lonely bones

 

I am afraid you will discover

That there is nothing you want

Hidden throughout my bones

And you will leave

 

I am afraid you will leave

After seeing me

Emotionally Naked

Emotionally Bare

And I will be left alone

Emotionally Naked

Emotionally Bare

Wishing that these

Lonely

Grey

and sad, sad bones

were enough for you

 

I am afraid you will leave

And I will be left alone

Emotionally Naked

Emotionally Bare

Crumpled on the ground

My pale ivory bones naked in the moonlight

Wishing that what my body holds

Was what you wanted.

 

(t.c)

Missing

You are the experience that changed my life.

You brought me so much

 

So many things

I hadn’t known I was missing

I hadn’t even known were there

 

You brought me things I knew I was missing

And I was looking in all the wrong places for them

 

Trying to make up for what I had lost

In all different kinds of wrong ways

 

You showed me what I means to truly care for someone

To truly love

 

Because I truly love you

 

With everything I have

 

With everything I am

 

(t.c)

 

Landmine

“Every morning I jump out of bed and step on a landmine. The landmine is me. After the explosion, I spend the rest of the day putting the pieces together.”

-Ray Bradbury

 

I wake up and stare at the ceiling

Thinking about this day

And how I already hate it

Its just another day

Another day stuck here

 

One more day spent

Wishing

Waiting

Hoping

Dreaming

And planning ways out of here

 

One more day spent in

Anger

Pain

Annoyance

Contempt

And wishing I could be anywhere but here

 

Still laying in bed,

I close my eyes and hope for a good day

I get up

And think of ways to have a good day

 

I stand in front of a mirror

Studying myself

Hating every inch of me

Picking apart every section

Every inch

Of myself

 

I wish

For the millionth time

To be able to rip apart my body

My skin

My bones

And let the blood flow

Let the hate flow

Let the pain flow

Let the sorrow flow

(t.c)

Birds

I desperately wish

To pull my body apart

Rip open my chest

My skin

My bones

My ribs

And let the blood flow out

Let all the sorrow, anger, pain, and hate

Flow out

That way I can wash myself clean

Wash away all of the pain

All of the sadness

I feel

 

Fertilize my bones

Fertilize my body

So when the spring comes

In full bloom

My body is ready

Ready for the flowers

To sprout from my chest

Valleys and mountains of

Purples

Blues

Pinks

Reds

Yellows

Wrapping themselves through, around, and in my bones

Bringing at least

A little joy

Bringing it back to me.

 

Fertilize my bones

Fertilize my body

So when the spring comes

In full bloom

My body is ready

Ready for the birds

To build their nests in my chest

In between the valleys

And mountains

Of flowers

Raising their families

Singing their songs

Songs of spring

Songs of sun

Songs of joy

Leaving them

A lasting rhythm in my head

So maybe

Maybe

When they have to leave me

I won’t be so empty.

(t.c)