The Forgotten

I try so hard to remember

To remember what happened during that time

That horrible period

But I cannot

 

I want to know

I want to know what I saw

What I thought

What I felt

But I cannot

 

All I am allowed to know

Are brief flashbacks of the pain

The hatred

The anger

That I felt

And it scares me

Terrifies me

And leaves me almost in tears

Yet I still want to know

But I cannot

 

There have been walls built

Built without my permission

My authorization

She told me it was to protect me

That it was my subconscious trying to protect me

Protect me from that time

Protect me from myself

I want to remember

But I cannot

 

“It will come in time”

She said

“When your subconscious knows you’re ready”

She said

How do you know when you’re ready?

It cannot be when you want to remember

Because I do

But I cannot

 

I try desperately

So desperately I drive myself mad

I feel as though I am missing a part of myself

That hurts

Partially because

I want to remember

But I cannot

 

I am missing a piece of my history

The piece where every word

Every second

Every Moment

Every Decision

screams heresy

And the only proof I have

Are the scars that cover

Blanket

Parts of my body

And the pain that comes from  the walled off memories

Because I want to remember

But I cannot.

 

(t.c)

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